Burt: an LGBT ICON (Unironically)
Trigger warning: HORNY (no, really)
Hello, I'm Burt: "B-U-R-T, like Black Urban Ripped Trainer.
This is how Burt introduces himself. To everyone.
I think perverts are funny people. Imagine if you were super horny 24/7, like a cartoon character level of horny. So horny you couldn't think straight. Your cartoon eyes are popping out of your head. You have a boner XD. That's funny to me. Burt is funny to me. The way he'll sneak around and sniff peoples' shoes and "Burt off" (his words) on the bunk above other contestants - oh wait, this is on a show. Forgot to mention that. This is on a reality show, a 24/7 live stream.
Burt was not told his was a live stream at first. He was kinda shocked but then continued busting in every room in the house. He Burted off into a MAGA hat once. This is what I spend my Wednesday* nights watching. Should the B in Burting off be capitalized? Here are some Burt player stats.
- 35 Years Old
- 160 IQ
- Masters in Mathematics
- Schizoaffective disorder
- Sex worker
- Several grand in bank account
- Hyper-Sexual
- Autism (I think?)
- Bi (but goes insane for men)
- Muscle implants
- 30k in bank account
So yeah Fish Tank is bla blah blaah. Ok this is a Burt post. It is for slaying and Burting.
Burt isn't ashamed by how much he loves skinny white dudes. "Baby bro.." he whispers to you before feeding you a benadryl cocktail while you sleep next to on an air mattress. Teddy, Alex B, Connor(?), they were his objects. He treated them with care. Oh, yeah, there was Frank Hassle. He wasn't so skinny, though. Description? Frank is 6'5, fat, beard and sports a giant 9/11 tattoo on his back. The 1s are the towers. There are stick figures jumping out of the number 1s that represent towers. I feel like you think I'm making this up. Ok, so you Googled him. Cool. Anyway, he was Burt's biggest crush. He one took the sole out of Frank's greasy worn without socks boot. Burt fucking licked that sole like it was a little slice of heaven. I love this man. How does he exist? Oh yeah, no one is allowed to leave the house during this competition. It's been 5 weeks. It's the longest Burt has ever gone, and will ever go, without sex.
And then there are his elemental forms. You will know he's changed forms by these traits.
Regular Burt
- Horny
- Wholesome
- Sweet
- Trusting
Dark Burt:
- Sexual Criminal
- Wears Sunglasses
- Smokes (he started smoking for this character)
- Breaks stuff
Amnesia Burt
- Burt claims he can give himself amnesia before acting roles
- Pretends to have amnesia for so long that people wonder if he really does have amnesia
- Refuses to break character
Thug Burt:
- Bullied into becoming Thug Burt by Luke (because Burt thinks Luke is hot)
- Pulls pants down a little in the back
- Says Aiiight
- Walks with swag
Golden Burt
- Gold body paint
- No eyebrows
- Only wearing underwear
- Underwear also painted gold
- Wears gold hat and gold
- Basically a golden Macho Man Randy Savage
There are more Burts out there, but you'll have to find them yourself. Burt is a journey, not a destination. He's a pervert. I'm a pervert. You're a pervert. We're all Burt. Let's all love Burt.
`*There's also this guy on /pw/ who posts pics of his load during every AEW Dynamite. Nice guy. Wish I didn't have to see his loads while I'm scrolling through threads. My friends get really excited when we see he posts his load even though none of us (well, maybe two of us) are gay. It's like approval. If this guy doesn't cum during your wrestling match, you really fucked up. It's like Dave's star ratings but for coomers. Britt Baker seems to be his favorite. IDK why, personally. That's the lore of BIG YELLOWY LOAD guy lol.